The harder you try, the more you will fail at it. Here's why.

It’s heartbreaking to see how many beautiful souls walk around feeling unloved.

Do you see it too?

You can see it in their eyes. The eyes tell you everything.

Perhaps this is you too.

So many of us spend every waking moment trying to fit in, be seen, feel heard, and just be loved.

The constant voices in our heads don’t let us move forward. We hear “you’re not good enough”, “ you need to work harder”, or “you won’t be accepted anyway”.

The worst one of them all is “you don’t deserve it”.

These voices so easily become second nature and convince you that you’re unlovable, right?

It sends you to this sad but familiar place.

It tortures you.

It mocks you.

It blames you.

It keeps you stuck.

Then the cycle perpetuates.

For just about all of us it comes from childhood.

It became “real” that moment you felt left out, hurt, abandoned, bullied, or abused in some way.

It became ingrained the next time something similar occurred.

So you now try even harder to feel loved by others in an effort to escape the void that was created when you were just a child.

You try harder to climb up to the top because you think that’ll do it.

You try harder to put yourself out there because you think it’ll get you seen.

You try harder to appear perfect because you think it’ll bring you the love you seek.

You see, love, it doesn’t work that way.

The harder you try, the more you will fail at it.

The void needs to be filled by you. Nothing and no-one outside of you will do.

That’s why the new job doesn’t make you happy anymore.

That’s why the person you’re dating doesn’t make you happy anymore.

That’s why that new toy you bought for yourself doesn’t make you happy anymore.

You keep looking outside of yourself.

What you so deeply desire is already within you.

You already have the love you seek.

Feel into your heart right now.

Place your hands on your heart and just feel into it. Notice the warmth, the acceptance, the happiness, and the love.

Allow it to radiate throughout the rest of your body.

Do you feel that?

That’s what you’ve been seeking.

You already have it within you.

You’re already good enough.

You’re already seen.

You’re already accepted.

You’re already loved.

Simply because you exist.

I’m so glad you do.

How To Cultivate Resiliency

We have all been there. A break-up, a death of a loved one, a loss of a job, a health scare, or being in a job that just sucks the energy out of you. Some people, though, are able to bounce back with what seems like ease while others still have trouble years later. The beauty, however, is that resiliency can be learned. Yes, even now.

I have been in jobs that were full of toxic people, bullies, dark clouds of negative energy and low morale. I would come home crying and my moods were all over the place. I ate junk and stopped exercising because I just didn’t have the energy. I developed health issues as a result, but for some reason I still stayed. Why? I felt I couldn’t do better. I thought I couldn’t get a better job. I didn’t want to leave the security I had of working in a position where I would be set for life and get paid well. What I didn’t know then was that I had better things in store for me. I just couldn’t get myself out of the way for it to happen.

Here are some ways you may be able to work through your tough time.

1. Allow yourself to feel

I see this all the time in my practice and have also experienced this myself. I would shove things inside and act as if it did not exist. If the problem was not acknowledged then it wasn’t true. This could be further from the truth. If you do not allow yourself to feel that anger, hurt, sadness, or pain, you are only going to sit in it longer. The key here is to learn from your experience and then move on. We don’t want to stay in that anger but you do want to give it a voice so that you can move through it and not over it.

2. Release the victim role

This can be a tough one. Being honest and open with yourself is important here however. Do you tend to blame others for your misfortune? Do you give yourself excuses for why you do not do what you need to do? Take ownership of your situation and how you got to be where you are. In my case, I allowed the bullying to continue by not speaking up for myself. It did not change until I gave myself the power to change it. I took control of what I could control. Once I had, it stopped.

3. Forgive

Forgiveness can be very challenging. One of the reasons for this is because we feel that if we forgive those that hurt us we are condoning the behavior and sending the message that it is okay. When I was bullied in my workplace I felt hate and resentment towards this person. All I could do was talk ill about this individual. It consumed my mind. As I worked on forgiving and letting go, the emotions I felt when thinking of this person, were no longer attached. Of course it feels easier not to forgive, but, what we are actually doing is holding ourselves hostage. If you harbor bitterness in your heart, you are the one holding onto it, not the other person. Forgiveness takes time but allowing yourself to go through the process allows you to heal and move forward. Write about it, talk about it. That’s how you start. Feel it, learn from it, and then move on.

4. Pay attention to your self-talk

Pay attention to how you talk to yourself. Are you always telling yourself that you are terrible, that you don’t deserve good things, or that life is hard? Talking to yourself this way will only keep you there. Focus your attention on positive thoughts. Thoughts become reality. Speak to yourself the way you want to be spoken to regardless of whether you believe it or not. Your new way of thinking will become your current way of thinking. You were not born thinking negatively, it was learned. Therefore it can be unlearned.

5. Visualize yourself getting better

Feel it, See it, Hear it! Yes, it’s that simple. Every night I would verbalize how grateful I was to have all that I had (what I had and what I wanted to bring to fruition). There is no concept of time when it comes to the universe and manifesting. Act as if you already have what you want and notice how it comes into your life. It may come in the a loss of a job, which seems terrifying at first, but that is most likely opening the door to a better job or career. You just don’t know it yet. Staying positive during the transition is a must. Keep your energy high. Another tool that I have been using has come through my training in hypnotherapy. I tell myself, every night, “Every day, in every way, I am better and better”. What you are doing is working with your subconscious mind and retraining your brain. It really works.

6. Surround yourself with positive people

Isolating is probably one of the worst things you can do. (This is very different from detaching to recharge – the key word here is recharge.) The more you isolate from others the more you are in your thoughts. This only gives you more room to dwell on how bad you think things are. Develop strong and supportive relationships – both in your professional and personal life. Ditch the negative relationships. If you surround yourself with negative people you will think the way they do. If you are able, also get yourself out of the toxic environment you are in. The more room you give to releasing negativity, the more you have to allow positivity in. It’s like cleaning out your closet.

7. Ask for help and help others

Sometimes we are too ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help. We think it means we have failed. So, if we don’t ask for help, no-one knows and our pride doesn't get hurt, right? Wrong! Ask for help!! Not only do you give others permission to help themselves but you also get help with what you are facing. This helps us realize that we are not alone. You can also turn to service work. What’s fascinating about this is that as you help others you help yourself. When you help others you come from a place of sincerity and you begin to notice good things happening to you. You also get out of your head. This is the road to success.

8. Reward yourself and focus on the present

Do small things each day and congratulate yourself for making those changes. Maybe your goal is to have your own business someday. How do you get there? You get there by taking small steps along the way and congratulating yourself for those small steps. Also, make sure to live in the present moment. Often times, I see folks living in the future. It’s great to have a future goal, but when you live there, it does not become reality. In fact, you create stress for yourself by living in the future. Instead create your future goal(s) by writing a list of what you want to manifest and then work backwards from there. What can you do, each day, to get yourself to that future goal? This is how you live in the present. You will realize you are where you want to be faster than you thought you would be.

You have all the power to change things for yourself. You can do it, just believe in yourself! Remember, you are not alone.

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